Really Off Topic but ..Help?

[Peach]

I know this is VERY far off the topic of photography but I have little outlets for hashing things out with anyone that I'm turning to you guys.

Five and a half years ago I moved out of my parents home after finding a job 400 km away in the "big city" (i.e. close to Vancouver). I was a fresh-faced 20-year-old who had never had a job before and suddenly found herself living in a very big city working a full-time decent(ish) paying job. I moved from home because there were no jobs in my particular field in the city my parents lived in.

Five and a half years later, I'm beyond unfulfilled and so bored at work I've almost been fired on a few occasions for low productivity. In my job, productivity (despite what the higher ups say) is where it's at. I'm a medical transcriptionist and although they do emphasize quality of reports, they really want as many minutes of dictation done as possible. Production, production, production - push push push. In fact, if you fail to meet your required productivity, they haul you in for review and demand to know what's going on before they break out the dreaded half-arsed sympathetic "is there anything we can do to HELP?" Uh, no, not unless you can give me super-duper fast typing more than the 120/wpm I already type.

But, I digress. This job is just a job to me. It's not a career (there is no room for advancement), it's not a life calling (my announcement of that during this year's absolutely awful and completely unfair review almost got me fired; my manager was more or less BORN to be in this job; she LIVES for this job; she said she'd rather be working than at home with her husband and 2 kids and anyone who views it "only as a job" isn't someone she wants on her "team"; this was also after alerting me that several coworkers were "concerned" that I seemed to be on the internet too much; i.e. they tattled... nice team). It's (almost) paid the bills now for 5 years and at 26 years of age I'm beginning to feel like my life is slowly slipping by.

While former classmates get married, have children and settle into careers they enjoy, I find that I'm struggling not to just up and quit. I come home most nights frustrated and I go to work most times annoyed that I have to do the same reports I've done for 5 years now. I know there's a lot of variety in the health care field, but after you type 100 colonoscopy reports or 100 open reduction/internal fixation reports on someone's busted ankle, there's really nothing new or surprising. Even the interesting and varied psychiatric reports have become common place.

I wouldn't say that my time down here has garnered me nothing. After all, I was able to buy a nice car (nothing high end but a decent lease-return vehicle; 2004 Toyota Matrix XR), an Xbox 360, my Nikon D40x, a 26 inch LCD tv, and most notably my dog. Clearly, if I had stayed at home and worked minimum wage, I wouldn't have had any of it.

Being down here has also given me the opportunity to compete for and win a trip to Brazil within 3 months of having arrived here. I spent 3 months in 2006 competing in a "Fitness Fantasy" competition and won first prize (lost the most body fat, blah blah) which was a round trip vacation to a health resort in Brazil. My mom and I (the trip was for 2) spent a week on the island and then a week (we paid that) in Rio. Without having moved down here I never would have been able to enter the contest much less win.

So having come down here has had it's benefits. Another benefit has been learning about the respiratory therapy career and what they (respiratory therapists) do. I have always known I wanted to work in a hospital in some form, although knew I never wanted to be nurse and that I wasn't smart enough to be a doctor (and my parents had no money to help pay for university, of any kind, let alone medical school). I thought about a cardiology technologist career and while I can take the schooling online through a post-secondary school locally, there's no advancement in the career. Once you're a cardiology technologist that's all you ever are. With respiratory therapy you can specialize in geriatrics, emergency, pediatrics, sleep apnea clinics, asthma clinics, etc. After 4 years, you can go back to school to upgrade and become an anesthesia assistant working alongside the anesthesiologists in the operating room. There's room for advancement and there are various branches you can set out into.

The problem with this is there is only one school in all of Western Canada that teaches the respiratory therapy program and that school just happens to be in the city I moved away from 5 years ago; i.e., my home town and where my parents still live.

Continuing as a medical transcriptionist will never afford me the ability to purchase a house down here. The housing market is astronomical; a condo costs anywhere from $150,000 (for a bachelor) to $400,000; detached houses in my current city go from as little as $300,000 to over a million. Forget about Vancouver; ever see the website "Crack Shack or Mansion"? Google it - that's our housing market.

If I move anywhere else, I will be paid less as a medical transcriptionist with the exception being moving to Alberta where they're paid $5/hr more than what I make now, but the housing prices are comparable (though slightly cheaper) to down here.

I will never get ahead financially. I will never be able to go back to school to do anything else simply because my rent, car insurance, car payment, cell phone bill, and cable all amount each month to all of one cheque plus part of the other. I can't get rid of the car b/c I have a dog - if she has to go to the vet I need to drive her; I also live in a not-so-nice area and I work an evening shift (which my employer will NOT change; even after getting a doctor's note) and I really don't want to walk through a rather dangerous area at midnight, plus a transit pass to go 8 km (which is about how far I live from work; 7-8 km) is $100/month. Sure, I'd save about $200, but if I go get groceries I'd need a taxi. I wouldn't be able to drive to see my parents and I can't take the Greyhound b/c I have a dog. So, I cannot get rid of my car. I don't have a Smart phone; I have a Samsung Elevate, which is basically a bare-bones cell phone. It BARELY lets me surf the internet. No games on it, no videos on it, no music. Just a phone with text message capabilities. Even that's costing me $70/month and I can't go any lower than that. I need the cable for my sanity. I don't have any friends here, so I don't hang out with people. I watch tv and talk to you lovely people.

If I move home, I'll have to pay very little rent (especially if I'm going to school). I can work at home for the at-home company I was working with earlier this year to cover the cost of my cell phone and my car, along with spending money. I could upgrade and then go to university to become a respiratory therapist.

It's a 2 year full time course with 2 years of practicum back down here near/in Vancouver. Unfortunately, that's 12 hour shifts. I don't think it's fair to the dog to be gone 12 hours so I'd have to leave her with my parents for 2 years (which I really don't want to do). It's also really hard to find a place to rent for cheap when you have pets down here. I'm really lucky to have this place because the landlady is fabulous. If I didn't have her, I probably would have had to give my parents the dog until I could find something.

After the 2 years, I can take a position in a clinic, working regular 9-5 hours or I can work in a hospital doing shift work (which I still don't think is fair to the dog). I could even live at home and work out of the hospital in that town and my parents would watch the dog and she'd have their dog to play with (she's my dad's dog's great-great niece; not that they care lol).

Problem is: I love it down here. I absolutely completely love the lower mainland. Ever since I was a kid, I've wanted to live down here. I spent this past Saturday watching the sun set on the ocean. I've been in downtown Vancouver at 3 a.m. with all the lights lit up. I've been to the Olympics. I've gone everywhere on the bus and Skytrain and Seabus; all over Vancouver, West Van and North Van. I've eaten lobster in Granville Island. Walked in Gastown. I love Surrey, even though it gets a bad rap. I love being able to go to the grocery store in the middle of the night in New Westminster just down from where I work. I love the city so much. I love this area so much. Going back to my parent's city would kill me. I'd be so depressed and miserable. I hate it. I hate it almost as much as the little town I grew up in and had such a horrible childhood in. It's close to that city, and I had a rough few years in the city, too. It's cold; they get a heck of a lot of snow every year, it's disgustingly hot in the summer (to the point I can hardly sleep when I go to visit). It's spread out and small (one walmart, one superstore, 2 safeways, etc) and everything is a 20 minute drive from anywhere else; even if you live "downtown" it's a 15 minute drive up the hill to get to the shopping. The selection of stores to go to is small; only a few 'big box stores' and mostly small businesses which charge an arm and a leg and cater mostly to the whole "wild west" kind of feel the city was founded on. The city itself is too small for me; 90,000 people maybe including the outlying regions. Where I am now has something like 250,000, plus the several million in Vancouver, and countless others in the nearby cities. If one Future Shop doesn't have something, the one 10 minutes down the road will. Not so in my parent's town. There's only 1 future shop; 1 Chapters; 1 walmart, etc. etc.

The other issue is one of the main reasons I moved out of my parents house in the first place: My dad.

I love my dad to pieces. And I know he loves me. But we've had a really, really hard relationship. We are complete opposites and he was so incredibly strict with me growing up and so lackadaisical with my younger sister (which he fully acknowledges). He's acknowledged that he can barely watch old home movies because he can't believe how he treated me, even on them. Barking orders at me, demanding I sit still, be quiet, etc. etc. It did damage our relationship and he's apologized since I've moved out. He knows, sort of, that I moved out because of him, (although he's not the sole reason). Just before I moved out, I was doing 90% of the house work, on top of studying for my medical transcription certificate at home, on top of working in my mom's day care. My younger sister (who is only 5 years my junior) did nothing. Her chore was to fold laundry, which she never did - and when she didn't, dad would yell at me to do it for her, and then get mad because the dishes weren't out of the dishwasher yet and I hadn't tidied up the upstairs part of the house (day care was in the basement). At night, mom would get mad that I didn't clean up the day care for her for morning if I had forgotten. So I was doing that, too. I felt (and still feel) like I was treated as the maid/cook.

If you try to rationally explain your feelings to my dad, he gets mad. His anger is also another problem. He gets mad at the drop of a hat over EVERYTHING. No sugar in the sugar bowl and he has to fill it? Well, now he's mad. He won't say he's mad, but you can always tell because he'll start whistling and he only whistles when he's mad. When he wants you to know he's mad, he'll cuss, swear, and yell. The last time I went to visit them, I almost had him drive me back to the house so I could leave to go home because the whole family got into a screaming match in the truck over..well the exact cause I can't even remember. He got mad later that night because I said mom wouldn't want to watch "Fast Five" (which is a "guy movie"; fast cars, lots of action, hot chicks - not my mom's kind of movie; not my kind of movie either but I would sit through it, she wouldn't) so he got mad, "g*damnit can't even watch a $*%&ing moving in my own %*&ing house" before he stomped off to bed.

I'm scared that if I go back, he'll treat me like he did before I moved out (that mom's assured me he has "matured" and realizes how he treated me damaged our relationship), even though I *know* he's very proud of me for moving so far away from home for the first time and all that. He's admitted that he never would have done it because he would have been too scared. I also know he loves me to the ends of the Earth and would do absolutely anything for me, and has. If I ever get in a bind, he's right there, giving me money to help out, or offering to come down to fix something or whatever. At nearly 60, he's helped me move all 3 times down here, has helped put my bed together, put up shelves, put together my entertainment stand, etc. I love him to pieces and I know he loves me.

He's also retiring next year and I'm not entirely sure they will be able to have me living with them, even if I do pay some rent and money for groceries.

The last thing is, it'll take me a year to upgrade my high school courses (and likely get a tutor because my math level is somewhere around 3rd grade; I SUCK at math; learning disability with math) and even then I'm not guaranteed a seat in the respiratory therapy course. It's a lot like med school; you can have straight A's and ace the MCAT but you still aren't guaranteed a spot. They want people who are going to be the best at what they do. I might have somewhat of an edge because of my experience in an acute care setting (hospital) but that's still no guarantee.

So, as it stands:

MOVING HOME
PROS:
- I will get ahead financially. Because I'd be bettering myself and not just wanting a free ride, my parents would likely not charge me much in way of rent or anything for food/internet/etc. That's just how they are: long as you're going to school, you don't have to pay anything. I can work part time at home for the company I was working with earlier this year and make about $800/month after taxes. That's more than enough to cover my car payment, insurance, and personal loan (that only is paid on until October 2012). The more I work, the more I make, too. When I'm upgrading, I can likely work more to save more for when/if I get into the respiratory therapy program.

- I will be able to upgrade and get ahead professionally. Even if I don't get into the respiratory therapy program right away, there may be something else that catches my eye.

- My dog wouldn't be quite so bored as she is now.

CONS:
- I would have to (temporarily) leave the area I so love and be absolutely miserable in a city I don't like at all.

- I would have to leave an office that I do enjoy; I love the girls I work with even if I can't stand the work.

- There's no guarantee of being accepted into the respiratory therapy program.

- There may be interpersonal strife between my dad and myself.

Logically, and that's usually what I base all my decisions on (logic), moving home makes the most sense. Even with the potential issues with dad and the issue of maybe not getting into the course, it makes more sense to move home and work part time and save money than it does to stay here and struggle just because I love the area I'm in. It's always going to be here, even if I'm scared I'll never be able to make it back down here.

Logically, it makes more sense to get out of a job I'm already struggling in before I get fired, which is harder to explain ("yea, I was fired b/c I was on the internet too much and I was too distracted to work") in the future.

Logically, it makes more sense to go back home and branch out into something else, where I'll have a potentially greater income and more fulfilled professionally.

So why the hell am I having such a hard time making this decision?! Why am I dragging my heels?! The main reason is because I love living on my own and I love where I live. But it's always going to be here! Vancouver and area isn't going to vanish if I leave. I can come back. It's not FOREVER that I'll be away.

Why can't I just make the decision?

Why am I finding it SCARIER to go back home to better myself than I did to move 400 km away for the first time ever to a stranger location for my first ever job? Doesn't it make more sense to feel better about going home to better yourself?

Help..please.
I'm so stressed and frustrated and angry with myself and scared.

I apologize for the monstrous post. I tried to condense it, but it's a lot of info to pack in.

[Woody]

Sell your car, quit your job and apply for a under 30 working visa to Australia and /or New Zealand, go fruit picking, working in a shop, see the world, have fun, find a wealthy bloke who already has a house, take a heap of photos of your travels and flog them.

Just relax, stop writing novels of your percieved troubles.

Goodness, you have a long life to live. Get on with it.


Cheers,

John W

[Bruce A]

Well Peach, you could try and sell the above to a publisher

Sorry, that was uncalled for. You do have a dilemma don't you and the fact is you ain't going to get anyone here to make your decision for you. Sure there'll be opinions, but the people here aren't you and while you did a bang up job of letting us into your life and to be able to form certain ideas about you and your predicament, it still comes back to: who's going to have to make the decision. Yep - it's you and my heart goes out to you. Personally, and here it comes, is my opinion: read through what you have written and I think the answer lies there with big open arms just waiting for you to fall into it. All the best of luck with your decision - you are twenty six, in ten short years you'll be thirty six and in another short ten years, 46 and so forth. You know the answer. All you got to do is to do it Peach.

I only wish my son at thirty-five could evaluate his life like you are doing.

[gturner]

Your typing skills are evident

Everyone has their issues, yours are not much different (names and places changed)


Why don't you look at where else you typing skills can take you. A decent PA position would pay more and expose you to a LOT more of the world and the way it works. Not sure how you organisational and interpersonal skills are... but that would be an idea.


And lastly - what ever you do - commit to it 100%. If you go home to study - do it. If you think you will flake out after a year, then you are wasting your time. Take the pain, do what you have to do, and understand the it is ONLY you who can make it better.


One other thing - get out of the personal loan game as soon as you can. Sure a car is important, but borrowing money for toys is the worst idea you have in that long list.

[kirbinster]

Don't know if you ever heard the saying "If you love what you do you'll never WORK a day in your life". Well I think the reverse of that is true too --- you need to get out of what you are doing and find something else. You also need to find some real friends, not just us electrons on the internet. Join some local group of your liking, maybe even a photo club where you can meet some real people.

As the owner of three dogs I am having a hard time even typing this, but the dog needs to go. It will be the hardest thing you have ever had to do, but the dog is an anchor that is preventing you from improving your life. Hopefully you can find him/her a good home, but you are too young to be tied down by a dog. My daughter is almost 24 and plans to move to her own place soon and wants to get a little dog. I keep telling her that would be a mistake as it will limit her too much. What will she do if she has to work late, travel, go away for a weekend, etc....

I wish you all the best luck, and please tell us what progress you are making and if we can help at all.

PS - don't know what the laws are in Canada, but what benefits to you get if they let you go -- that might be your best option to collect some monies while you work to find something you will love.

[Peach]

Woody: LOL I'd do it - but Australia (particularly) and New Zealand have some nasty spiders and I'm terrified of them eight-legged freaks! I could also do without the guy (or girl!). I'm trying to figure out the best way to live my life; no one ever told me it was going to be complicated! *grumps* (lol)

Bruce: Interestingly enough, I have tried to write a novel (an actual novel before) almost 10 years ago. It was a vampire story (before vampires were sparkly and romantic). Got over 300 pages single spaced hand written into it and my boyfriend (at the time) and I got into a fight culminating in him saying horrible things about it and I ended up burning it. Kicking myself in the arse now? Oh yes. Yes yes.

I know i have to make the decision. I suppose I was more venting than anything else; no one can make the decision for me and even though I know what the most obvious choice is.. I'm still too scared to take it. In the past, I've always had the "ugh a year is too looong!" mentality and then a year will pass and I'm standing there going "huh? What the hell?" Thanks for your encouragement It's much appreciated. Give your son a kick in the pants, eh?

gturner: My issues are pretty simple compared to other people's. I have no kids, no husband, no mortgage. Theoretically, I'm pretty free and untethered to do what I want. I've never thought of a PA, but my organizational skills have a lot to be desired. I know where everything is, it just doesn't look like it; one of those "organized chaos" type people. I wish I could say I do very little half-arsed but that'd be a lie. If I end up back at home, I can promise I wouldn't be doing it half-arsed (I didn't with my medical transcription course; got a 97% average on it), the biggest challenge would be fighting the ever-present depression that would come with being back at home. As for the personal loan, that was for my credit cards last year. No outlandish purchases; just gas and groceries when the pay cheques weren't enough to pay for everything. Car is paid off in a few more years (or sooner if I can sell it and get a small truck).

kirbinster: I had at least one coworker try to talk me out of getting the dog, but to be honest, she's one of the few things keeping me sane and occupied. I suffer from anxiety and mild OCD. She gets me out of the house not only because I have to walk her but I also train her to be my hunting buddy when dad and I (and mom and sister) go hunting in the Fall. It offers me the opportunity to get outside and she keeps me company. My shift schedule is such that I have no time for socialization. I work second shift; 1530-2330 so in the late mornings I'm asleep, early afternoon I'm showering, getting ready for work, taking the dog out, and then heading to the hospital. Before I had her, weekends were generally spent doing chores that I didn't do during the week, grocery shopping, etc. I still do that stuff, so there's little time to be involved in groups. I have difficulty, although I have improved significantly from when I was 20, socializing with people face to face in any sort of "friendship" way due to some very traumatic experiences I suffered from grades 1 through 10 in school. I have a tendancy to stumble on my words and struggle to speak clearly (which is partially why I excel at typing; I have the opportunity to edit and review what I'm saying before I "say" it). I'm ok in a professional setting (except when talking to my boss), though. I just have difficulty establishing and keeping "friends." The dog is a huge support and my best friend. There is no way on this Earth I would give her up. I don't see her as holding me back or tying me down; if I wanted to be a flight attendant or someone who was travelling a lot - of course. But even if I did the RT course, I don't have to do 12 hour shifts after the practicum. She'd be with my parents and their Lab and happy as pig in crap. If anything, she's helped me become a different (and better) person and I have matured a lot in the short year that I've had her, and become a much more patient person, both with her and myself (and other people, in fact). I'd feel bad leaving her at home for an hour, let alone 8 (which I do now).

I don't think I get a severence package if I'm fired. I'd rather not be fired just so I don't have to explain that to future employers. As it stands, I don't think anything will be able to move forward (should I choose to move home) until the Spring due to some circumstances at my parents house at the moment and a house guest that will be staying for a while.

I know what my heart is telling me is the best option. I'm just digging my heels in because it's an option I really, really don't want to take and one I've been trying to just avoid for at least 3 years now. It's getting to the point now, however, where I really, truly dislike going into work and having to do the same job I did yesterday; a job that really (despite what the management team says) a trained monkey could do. I guess what it boils down to is, the job isn't SO bad yet that going home (even how bad that is) looks BETTER than going to work here. I'm almost at that point - very, very close and I think come Spring time I will swallow my pride and feelings and take the leap and go home. If my parents lived down here (which they can't b/c they can't afford it), this wouldn't even be an issue. I'd move home and find something other than respiratory therapy to do. I think the biggest obstical for me at the moment is simply admitting that I need to leave where I love and go back to a place I dislike, however temporary that change may be, to get back to where I love - DOING what I (hopefully) will love.

As I said above, I think I'm mostly just venting. I vented with my mother earlier, but she's of little help since she's been all but begging me to move home since the day I moved out. She's likely throwing a party right now at the prospect of me finally going back (lol).

I'll figure this out.. it's going to take a while I think.. but in the end, as I said, I think I'll end up back at home.

Thank you everyone - for reading and for letting me blow steam.

[Tito87]

You'll always fill unfulfilled, as long as you keep doing something that you hate. Find your calling. Happiness comes from doing what you love; it's not something that you get from someone else: it comes from within. Don't do something that you hate just because you get money out of it. Find who you are; that will hep you to find what you love. Then, you'll find a way of making a living out of it. I'm just mumbling now, sorry. I'll stop before I bore the heck out of you. Just my two cents, anyway. Good luck on whatever you decide to do.

[faeriegodess612]

Wow girl! As far as the job thing goes, I can kinda say that I know EXACTLY how you feel. I quit my cashier job at Lowe's Home Improvement back in April. It was so bad that I started having issues with anxiety and mild depression. Something I've never had a problem with in my entire life. I really disliked my job. I quit before I got fired, because I was on the brink of it anyways. I loved the people I worked with, and when I go in there now, they're like, "When you coming back?" And while I've always had a job since I was 19 ( I'm 27 now ) and it bugs the crap out of me to sit on my butt all day and do nothing, it was one of the best things I've done in a while. The only reason I was able to do it was because my husband makes enough that we can squeak by. ( It was easier when he was overseas and we had an extra $800/month coming in, right now it's about to get tight, but with my awesome financial management, we should be ok.) Right now with my hair being pink and me being pregnant, finding a job is going to be nearly impossible. There's only a few markets to look into, and there isnt much of them in this area.

I can kind of relate to your situation, although not completely, of course. I feel for you, as things like that arent always the easiest choice to make. On one hand your going "But I've done so much here, and I don't want to leave. I may hate my job but I can still make it by." and on the other your going "But I'll never get ahead and REALLY get what I want out of life by staying in this dead end job. There's another possibility out there, but it depends on a lot and how much I'm willing to give up." It's hard, but sometimes, you've just gotta take that leap. It may be one of the best things you ever do for yourself.

[Peach]

Tito87: I don't think I'd be alone in saying not many people really do find their calling, but I suppose the search is important. I am hopeful that if I do get into the RT course and I do manage to pass through it, I will enjoy it. From everything I know about the career and about myself, I think I will. I need a fast-paced job where I am on the move and doing something. With transcription, in 5 years I've gained close to 40 pounds (and I was overweight to start with) and because of the complete lack of mental stimulation, I find myself bored. It feels a lot like how school did; I was bright enough that if I had applied myself I would have easily gotten A's, but because I found it boring, I daydreamed and coasted through with C's. I think the RT program will be one where I'll be continually stimulated and hopefully I will therefore find enjoyment. I already know I want to help people, so that part is taken care of

faeriegodess612: It definitely is a matter of weighing the pros and cons even though they seem so even right now. Another thing that I am really annoyed with is the fact that transcription was supposed to be a stepping stone to something else. I was supposed to be able to use it to get me somewhere else, but in 5 years I've been able to do nothing with it apart from buy some of the things I wouldn't have been able to had I taken a minimum wage job. So in a way, I'm resentful and feel like I've wasted 5 years of my life and now have to go back to "square one", so to speak. It makes me feel a lot like a failure and that's really annoying me and making part of me just want to stick with it because maybe my luck will change even though the odds of that happening are more or less slim to none.

In the end though, I think I will be moving home in the Spring. There are a lot of other mini-issues involved with me moving home (most notably now is that mom won't be able to come down here to do her summer job anymore; one that she absolutely loves and it being her only job I feel absolutely horrible about her having to stop) so they may or may not be worked out. I would really prefer NOT to move home, but I'm also aware that there's no way I can go to school while living down here. I just can't afford it. Guaranteed though, between now and Spring, I'll likely be doing everything I can and making every excuse under the sun, to stay down here.

So, nothing is truly firmly, written in stone, decided.

Thanks for letting me vent everyone It's definitely helped.

[Woody]

Originally Posted by Peach

Woody: LOL I'd do it - but Australia (particularly) and New Zealand have some nasty spiders and I'm terrified of them eight-legged freaks! I could also do without the guy (or girl!). I'm trying to figure out the best way to live my life; no one ever told me it was going to be complicated! *grumps* (lol)

Sorry Peachy, spiders are not the worry, it's the snakes, king browns, red belly black, eastern goof adders and carpet snakes. And the crocs, feshies and salties, then there's the bull sharks, grey nurse and wobbygongs. Oh, and the stingrays as well as the venomous blue bottles and killer dugongs.

Out west we have attack bandicoots and the deadly quoll.

It's a terrible place to live. Sorry i suggested it.



Cheers,

John W

24 million people live here and more die from bee stings than from any wild animals.