The Joke Thread - good (reasonably) clean jokes!

[Bruce A]

I realised there is no joke thread on the forum (well, not that I've seen) and thought it'd be look to have a place to list jokes. See how how it goes shall we?

I'll start:

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years
they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs
she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist
got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he
embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched
-with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife
needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'
'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I golf.'

[ArmySoldier777]

Good idea. We should do one of these about craigslist ads too I've seen some pretty damn funny ones

Funny joke too, thats awesome

David

[SwissJon]

Can we move this thread to the nude section? My dad keeps sending me dirty jokes!

[Woody]

One for the Golfers:

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,

"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Cheers,

John W

[NgaiHill]

So this magician works on a cruise ship, doing his act every night. But because the audience kept changing he just used the same routine, no one ever saw the show twice. Except, that is for the Captain's parrot. After a while the parrot saw how each trick worked and would call out "It's a fake card!" or "It's up his sleeve!" This really annoyed the magician as it was spoiling his routine but he couldn't do anything - it was the Captain's parrot.
The one dark & stormy night the cruise ship suddenly sank and there were hardly any survivors. The magician ended up floating on some debris with just the parrot for company.
The parrot never said a thing on the first day, was quiet on the second day, silent on the third day. Finally after four days of floating the parrot looks at the magician and says "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"

[Bruce A]

That's the spirit guys!

Greg & Tracey were in the final hours of their London holiday when it dawned on them they had still to take a spin in one of London's iconic cabs , they decided it would be the mode of transport to the airport before their long flight home.

The service attendant at the hotel obliged by putting through a call and almost immediately a little black cab pulled up to the hotel entry , Greg and Tracey both hopped into the back pleased they had now savoured all of the cities forms of transport , Double Deckers , Tube , etc.

After travelling several kilometers Greg leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention , the driver screamed , lost control of the cab , nearly hit a bus , drove up over the kerb and stopped just inches before a large store-front window.

For a few moments there was total silence in the cab , then the shaking driver said , " Are you OK ? , I'm so sorry , but you scared the daylights out of me ".

Tracey was still in shock at this point , and Greg , badly shaken apologised to the driver and said , " No , it's me who should be sorry , I didn't realise that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly ".

The driver replied , " No , no , it's entirely my fault , today is my very first day driving a cab , I've been driving a herse for 25 years.

[copernicus]

IRISH DIET



An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly
again for 2 days then skip a day ...... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded ...
'I'll tell you though, be jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 'tird day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the f**kin' skippin'

[CurlyCorry]

Originally Posted by copernicus

IRISH DIET



An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly
again for 2 days then skip a day ...... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded ...
'I'll tell you though, be jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 'tird day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the f**kin' skippin'

BAHAHAHAHA..... good one!!!

[dvtldav]

The Funeral Procession

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:



"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"


"My wife's."


''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

[Quo Fan]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?







Easy, unique up on it.