The Joke Thread - good (reasonably) clean jokes!

[Krusty79]

THE LAST 10 THINGS A MAN WOULD EVER SAY

10- I think Barry Manilow is one cool MFer!
9- While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8- I'm absolutely wrong, you must be right!
7- Her breasts are just way too big.
6- Sometimes, I just want to be held.
5- That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody.
4- We haven't been to the mall in ages...let's go shopping so I can hold your purse.
3- Sure, I would love to wear a condom.
2- Screw Monday night football, let's watch "Mad About You."
1- I think we are lost, we'd better pull over and ask directions.


THE LAST 10 THINGS A WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY

10- Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9- Go ahead and leave the toilet seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.
8- I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7- Hey, get a whiff of that one!
6- Please don't throw that old T-shirt away...the holes in the armpits are just too cute.
5- This diamond is way too big.
4-(censored)
3- Wow, Bruce, it really is 14 inches.
2- Does this make my butt look too small?
1- I'm wrong, YOU MUST be right!



A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[NgaiHill]

A man walks into a music store and wants to buy a good, old-fashioned vinyl record. He gets the record and is ready to check out when he discovers that he forgot his wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decides to steal the record. So he sticks it down his pants.

Of course, the cashier spots him on the way out and says, "Hey! Is that a record in your pants?"

The man replies, "Well, it may not be a record but I haven''t heard any complaints."

[ArmySoldier777]

Originally Posted by Krusty79

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

LMAO, I've seen so many women do that lol

[Ambrosia76]

The several of the male/female joke remind me once again that hubby and I are apparently both of the wrong gender.

[ArmySoldier777]

Lol

[kirbinster]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat "

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long."

With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.

[Krusty79]

Kirbinster, Lisa beat you to it. She posted that joke on page 28.

Q. What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A. A whine and cheese party
__________________________________________________ ______________________

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
__________________________________________________ _______________________

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
__________________________________________________ _______________________

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

[dvtldav]

Two blonds were talking and one asked the other "do you smoke after having sex?" The one blond thought a minute and said "I don't know, I never looked."

Dave

[Bruce A]

A Queenslander is drinking in a Victorian pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone , as he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to ear , and once
he disconnects he calls out to the barman that he wants to shout the bar.

The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around keen to know what they are celebrating , " Well " , he announces , " My wife just
produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds ".

The crowd went silent as nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds , but the Queenslander just shrugs , " that's about average in
Queensland , like I said , my boy is a typical Queensland boy ".

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of " strewth , and crikey " were heard , one woman even fainted due to sympathy pain.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the same bar , the barman says , " You're the father of that typical Queensland baby boy that weighed in at
25 pounds at birth aren't you ? , everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in two weeks , we were going to give you a call , so... , how much does
he weigh now ? ".

The proud Queensland father answers " 17 pounds ".

The bartender is puzzled and concerned , " What happened , he weighed 25 pounds the day he was born ? ".



The Queenslander takes a long slow swig from his XXXX beer , wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve , leans onto the bar , and proudly says , " Had him circumcised ".

[Krusty79]

If you are over 45 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test


Subject: SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE. It takes less than 15 seconds.

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?


1. _ _NDOM


2. F_ _K


3. P_N_S


4. PU_S_


5. S_X


6. BOO_S





| | | | | | | | | |
Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?


You do NOT have Alzheimer's


You are a Pervert