The Joke Thread - good (reasonably) clean jokes!

[autofocus]

Finally - - An answer I can Understand. A tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall Backwards off their boats?" To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the fookin boat."

[Bruce A]

LOL Vince!

Another Irish one:

Paddy has been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's win over Australia in the Rugby World Cup tournament , Mick the bartender says , " You'll not be drinkin' anymore tonight Paddy " , to which Paddy replies , " OK Mick , I'll be on me way then " , Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off , he falls flat on his face , " Shoite ! " , says Paddy , and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off , he takes a step towards the door and again falls flat on his face.

" Shoite ! "....... " Shoite ! " ,

Paddy looks at the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine , he belly crawls across the pub floor to the doorway and shimmies up to the door frame , he sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air , feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and again falls flat on his face.

" Bi Jesus... I'm so focked ! "

At this point Paddy can just make out his house down the street and begins to crawl down the sidewalk up to his doorway , hauls himself up the door frame , opens the door and crawls inside , once inside he takes a look up the stairs leading to the bedroom and says " No fockin' way " , Paddy crawls up the stairs to the bedroom door and says " I can make it to the bed " , pulls himself up the door frame , he takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face , " Fock it ! " , he says , and crawls into bed.

The next morning , his wife Jess comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says , " Get up Paddy , did you have a bit to drink last night ? "

Paddy replies , " I did Jess , I was well pissed , how'd ya know "

" Mick phoned , you left your wheelchair at the pub ".

[NgaiHill]

Why has it taken so long to get a joke thread going? These are hilarious!

Here's one for SwissJon
THE BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH


A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says....................







'Grandpa;.......... Go home!

[Woody]

One for Faerie,

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments, a man named Rod at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes," said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering, would it be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

Cheers,

John W

[Bruce A]

The Indian With One Testicle



There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???
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OH, come on.. take a guess !!!
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Think about it !!!
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You're going to love this !!!
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Ready for it?
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Everyone knows..
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You can't kill Two Birds

with OneStone!!!

[dvtldav]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy,
"Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do either."


Dave

[Krusty79]

A lot of jokes I haven't heard before here!

#1 A shy guy is in a bar and works up the courage to talk to an attractive woman sitting alone at the bar. He hesitantly goes up to her and tries to start a conversation. She immediately turns to him and yells, “No! I will NOT sleep with you! Go away!” Needless to say, the guy is devastated and slinks back to his table. A while later, the woman walks over to him and apologizes, saying that she is conducting a behavioral study for a class in school. The guy replies in a very loud voice, “What? You want three hundred dollars!?!”




#2 A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears, she is quite impressed by his sensitive side. But doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, she turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips, he responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well,how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:



'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"

[dvtldav]

Krusty,
I liked #2.



A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'


Dave

[Bruce A]

Three guys are sitting quietly at a bar having a drink. There was an American indian, a radical Arab muslim and an old gnarled, weather beaten cowboy. The indian decided to start a conversation.

He said, "Once we were many - now we are few."

The radical muslim retorted, "Once we were few - now we are many!"

A grin formed on the old cowboy's mouth and he drawled, "That's because we ain't played cowboys and muslims yet!"

[dvtldav]

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST.
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.


Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.



Dave